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Archive for the ‘feelings’ Category

Before we knew that Addie was okay, many tears were shed. She was frustrated, I was frustrated…But on this particular day, I didn’t know what to do, so I figured I would send her back, maybe her warranty was still in place and the factory could fix her…

But then those BIG BLUE EYES convinced me everything would be ok, and I should keep her.

Good thing, I would have missed her a lot!

About this time last year I was panicking about telling my family I was pregnant. The photo shoot appointment was set and it was only a matter of days until both sides knew we were pregnant.

Over the course of the next few months, I began blogging religiously about this and that. My feelings, her growth and movement, and now finally I am blogging about my beautiful 5 month old baby girl.

Back in April, I posted my feeling about the upcoming last 50 days of my pregnancy. In that post, I stated I would try to blog about how I felt about pregnancy both 5 months, and 1 year after Addie’s birth. Here we are…5 months… how do I feel about pregnancy?

The honest truth, I see a pregnant woman walking by and I miss the connection that I took for granted when I was pregnant. I didn’t realize what was happening to me fully until a life was created and completely tangible. I look at the small bump of what is left of my pregnant belly and know that is the only portion of the physical connection left from pregnancy. I have to admit a part of me is sad to see it go. It is true that you don’t know what you have until it’s gone. The bond of motherhood is amazingly strong, but not so much until after she was born for me. The logical person knew how the baby got there, how she was growing and that this was just part of nature taking it’s course. Yes… it is a miracle that we as humans are able to create life. But I was no exception to the rule, I was simply creating another life.

Then she was born. NOW I am amazed, not at the life, but at the elation I feel. At the connection we had the second she looked at me just moments after birth and stopped crying when she heard my voice. The connection that has gotten stronger as each day passes. NOW I can look back and see the non-logical, non-sensical love that mothers feel for their children, and want it.

However, do not mistake this revelation for me wanting to be pregnant again. I don’t. I remember well the back pain, the sleepless nights, the tiredness, the achiness… no, I don’t want to pregnant again. At least not yet. If I had to go back and do this pregnancy over again knowing what I know now, I would do things different, but I wouldn’t do it all over again by choice.

Lots of my friends are pregnant right now, I see them and think of the “connection”, but then remember having to sleep on my left side, my sciatica acting up, having to put saran wrap on my car seat so I could swivel to get in and out, Jess helping walk up and down stairs when I had leg cramps.

Yes I love Addie, and I would not give her up for anything, but as it stands right now, there are no more babies in my future. We’ll review in another 6 months or so and every 6 moths after that to see how things change. If the love I have for Addie continues to progress at the rate it is now, one of two things will happen… my heart will fill up so much it will explode making all my insides gooey with heart juice and baby number two will be made because the heart juice somehow made it to my brain and intoxicated me into believing being pregnant would be “not so bad”, OR I’ll continue to grow my love for her and know that is enough.

Hmm, pretty inconclusive huh?

It is so easy to taking pooping for granted. We all do it everyday (well most of us anyway). They even make a book called Everyone Poops. Everyone, except Addie that is. This poor child has more problems pooping than anyone I have ever heard of! It took her about 9 days to fully pass her meconium! (she was poopoing a lot, she just had a lot I guess). After that she had no problems for about a week. Then…nothing. Nothing for days at a time. Everyone kept saying she would outgrow it, but here we are at almost 12 weeks, which is also:

81 days, 11 hours, 31 minutes
7,039,882 seconds
117,331 minutes (rounded down)
1955 hours (rounded down)

And still, pooping is a problem. When you think about 1955 hours and the fact she used to poop about every 2, then every 9, and now every 2-3 days… thats a lot of poop. But still not as much as it should be.

We give her pear juice and Milk of Magnesia, but still have littel results, and when she does finally decide to go… oh boy watch out! The screaming starts and doesn’t stop!!
Yesterday we 3 bm’s in one day, poor thing was miserable and each one was like peanut butter. Today she has just been so clingy and fussy it just breaks me heart! All i can do to comfort her is let her latch on and suck away for hours at a time.

We have an appointment with a pediatrician who specializes in this type of thing on the 17th, but uintil then, all we can do it hope for the best.

The day Adeline was born Jess and I waited over 4 hours for the records clerk at LDS Hopital to show up with Jess’ Voluntary Declaration of Paternity paperwork. This consists of 3 forms he needed to fill out along with a booklet making sure he understood his rights.
Of course Jess was more than willing to fill all this out, and even though the clerk was slow and a bit ditsy, we figured she had done hundreds of these and so whats the big deal. We fill it out, she notarizes, and it gets faxed/mailed to the state… Zip and we are done, right?
WRONG!!
One month after her birth I head down to the Records division to pick up her birth certificate. The woman behind the counter points out there is no father listed. In Shock and amazment, I ask why? She says sometimes it can take a few weeks to get the paternity info, or it will get overlooked. Then the conversation went something like this:

Woman: Are you married to the father?
Me: No.
Woman: Where did you deliver?
Me: LDS.
Woman: Ahh.
Me: Does this happen often?
Woman: Lets just say you are not the first unwed mother to have this problem with LDS.
Me: So they just don’t like it? They are apposed to kids out of wedlock?
Woman: I can’t say… lets just say this happens alot.

AAARRRRGGGGHHHH!! So. We call LDS hospital and talk to Casey, she says Oops, I do still have the paperwork. I will re-submit it. *I wanted to kill her* It only took me 4 phone calls just to get a hold of her to find this info out.

So, we give it 2 weeks to get everything processed and Jess heads down to the Records Division, since his name is on the birth certificate now, he can pick it up right? WRONG!
Why you may ask? Cause his name is STILL not on the birth certificate.

This pretty much set Jess off, he stormed down to LDS hospital, where he got the run around and eventually “There is nothing we can do, we are past the date we can submit anything, you will have to go to the state and apply for a new birth certificate.

@#$%@#$%@#$%!!!!!

Ok. Calm Down. We can do this.

@#$%@#$%@#$%!!!

So, today we both go down to the state department of record (cause Jess isn’t the daddy yet and has no legal rights to pick up or sign on my behalf) . It takes 2 hours and we have to go through everything we already went through at LDS hospital on the day she was born… AND we have to watch some stupid video to make sure Jess understands his legal rights. Are you F@#$’n kidding me??? He is here, willing to take responisbility for this child and you are making us Jump through hoops! no wonder there are so many moms on welfare.

I hate Utah.

NO MORE BILIBED!

Dr. Kasteler called this evening and said Addie’s Bili score is 11.5, down another point since just yesterday. I guess those hourly feedings last night and 1/2 hour diaper changes paid off. This is great news because just yesterday we thought she we be on the bed through Wednesday and possibly into Thursday.

I held her for 45 minutes as soon as I found out. I kept weeping tears of joy and kissing her little head. Jess held her for well over and hour and only gave her back to me because she needed to be fed. We will be moving her cradle from the living room to the bedroom, I know it means less sleep for Jess and I as a whole, but the stress that has been lifted from our shoulders should more than make up for the lack of sleep.

I finally feel like a real mom. I can hold and cuddle and love our baby whenever I want. I can console her and comfort her when she is upset. I am a mom.

Well It’s 12:30 and time for my nightly post. I sit here on the couch and she lay there in the bed, awake. Quiet. She is looking at her hands, at the towels that surround her, at anything and everything she can. Her big blue eyes are so interested in the world. For now, the fight with the bed is over. She will drift off to sleep, hopefully without tears, hopefully without stress.

We also brought the dogs home today. They have been staying with Grandma Steph while we adjust to having the baby at home. We were a little nervous at first but they both did amazingly well. Tank just sniffed her and mostly lost interest. She watches us interact with Addie and just looks curious and confused. Chopper sniffed her, licked her, made a strange noise and then lay down. He continues to be curious and whine, but does not get to close.

I am reminded of Disney’s Lady and the Tramp when Lady meets the baby for the first time…only a little clumsier.

Addie had a doctors appointment today, they pricker her foot to check her Bilirubin levels. She is down to a 13.5, but that is still to high. So we are still on the bed for another 2-3 days. I have to go get her blood drawn again tomorrow (poor thing, she hates labs already).

I can’t believe I have made it this far. I am so pregnant I am loopy. One to 1 1/2 hours of sleep at a time, and absolutely no break in the discomfort. I guess the upside to that is I am getting used to it since it is always there.
Her movements have signifigantly slowed and there is always something pushing up against my ribs making it difficult to sit and/or breathe. I am so done!
How your baby’s growing:
Congratulations — your baby is full term! This means that if your baby arrives now, her lungs should be fully mature and ready to adjust to life outside the womb, even though your due date is still three weeks away.Your baby weighs 6 1/3 pounds and measures a bit over 19 inches, head to heel (like a stalk of Swiss chard). Many babies have a full head of hair at birth, with locks from 1/2 inch to 1 1/2 inches long. But don’t be surprised if your baby’s hair isn’t the same color as yours. Dark-haired couples are sometimes thrown for a loop when their children come out as blonds or redheads, and fair-haired couples have been surprised by Elvis look-alikes. And then, of course, some babies sport only peach fuzz.

I had a doctors appointment on Wednesday. Turns out my baby who was so excited to get out… is not so excited anymore. So the end is no longer near the end is far. For those who may be confused as to what “Near” and “Far” mean, here is Grover to explain. Keep in mind.. the baby is Near… the Baby is Far.

So as far as the update goes, my doc says I am just a little bit more thinned out and a litte bit more dialated, she is also sitting just a little bit lower. Take “little bit” for whatever you will, I didn’t ask for details. It was just disappointing all around, (for Jess too, he had hope for better news).

They did strip my membranes and no it doesn’t hurt! I think the women that complain about it hurting are also the women that ask for an epidural as soon as the first contraction hits. What was uncomfortable was the 24 hours following as mild cramping turned to heavy cramping and heavy cramping turned to irregular contractions. After the first 24 hours things have settled. All pain has seemed to fade and the contractions, though still very irregular, are slowing down as well. They seem to be fading back into Braxton Hicks. Which is ok, considering those are opening my cervix with little to no pain.. Woo-hoo! The more Braxton Hicks the fewer real ones I say. I should have been counting them. That way when I am in labor I can be thankful that I didn’t have to experience those as real ones.

In other news, for those of you who guessed that I would be having this baby after June 16th… YOU’RE WRONG! (the doc will induce me no later than the 16th) Sorry, so feel free to guess again. And for those who guessed May 30th or before… sorry, I really did try to have this baby! Promise!

Or at least it better be! The pains in my pelvis have not gotten any easier and to add to the trouble, my lower back has started to hurt. From everything I have read this is a good sign, however, I am more apt to believe this is just from me being so dreadfully uncomfortable at night and “tossing and turning” (or lack there of). You know how it is, you can’t sleep at night, you can’t get comfortable, so your back hurts the next day.
I have another Dr. appt with Dr. K tomorrow, it will be interesting to see how things are progressing. Everything has happened early thus far, but now that we are down to the wire, things seem to be slowing down. Breifly this weekend I seemed to be a bit less swollen, but that must have just been a nice break for the long Memorial Day weekend as I am back to bloat this morning. C’est la vie.