A Year in Review
About this time last year I was panicking about telling my family I was pregnant. The photo shoot appointment was set and it was only a matter of days until both sides knew we were pregnant.
Over the course of the next few months, I began blogging religiously about this and that. My feelings, her growth and movement, and now finally I am blogging about my beautiful 5 month old baby girl.
Back in April, I posted my feeling about the upcoming last 50 days of my pregnancy. In that post, I stated I would try to blog about how I felt about pregnancy both 5 months, and 1 year after Addie’s birth. Here we are…5 months… how do I feel about pregnancy?
The honest truth, I see a pregnant woman walking by and I miss the connection that I took for granted when I was pregnant. I didn’t realize what was happening to me fully until a life was created and completely tangible. I look at the small bump of what is left of my pregnant belly and know that is the only portion of the physical connection left from pregnancy. I have to admit a part of me is sad to see it go. It is true that you don’t know what you have until it’s gone. The bond of motherhood is amazingly strong, but not so much until after she was born for me. The logical person knew how the baby got there, how she was growing and that this was just part of nature taking it’s course. Yes… it is a miracle that we as humans are able to create life. But I was no exception to the rule, I was simply creating another life.
Then she was born. NOW I am amazed, not at the life, but at the elation I feel. At the connection we had the second she looked at me just moments after birth and stopped crying when she heard my voice. The connection that has gotten stronger as each day passes. NOW I can look back and see the non-logical, non-sensical love that mothers feel for their children, and want it.
However, do not mistake this revelation for me wanting to be pregnant again. I don’t. I remember well the back pain, the sleepless nights, the tiredness, the achiness… no, I don’t want to pregnant again. At least not yet. If I had to go back and do this pregnancy over again knowing what I know now, I would do things different, but I wouldn’t do it all over again by choice.
Lots of my friends are pregnant right now, I see them and think of the “connection”, but then remember having to sleep on my left side, my sciatica acting up, having to put saran wrap on my car seat so I could swivel to get in and out, Jess helping walk up and down stairs when I had leg cramps.
Yes I love Addie, and I would not give her up for anything, but as it stands right now, there are no more babies in my future. We’ll review in another 6 months or so and every 6 moths after that to see how things change. If the love I have for Addie continues to progress at the rate it is now, one of two things will happen… my heart will fill up so much it will explode making all my insides gooey with heart juice and baby number two will be made because the heart juice somehow made it to my brain and intoxicated me into believing being pregnant would be “not so bad”, OR I’ll continue to grow my love for her and know that is enough.
Hmm, pretty inconclusive huh?